In Doubt

Having been equivalent to a robot all these days, I never wanted to be in pain.

This was what kept me away from the small events of life. The world expects me to keep producing outputs even when the introduction to this unwanted bag of emotions has dried me up COMPLETELY. I never thought this would happen, and whenever this happens, in my dreams, I had discovered happiness. I never went through these impatient set of feelings before, which force me to behave properly and keep patience. The kind, good word of LOVE rings in my ears. It simply signifies the future never-happening tense for me. Is this what I actually deserve?  Maybe I am not that good to anyone. I seriously need a personality correction list at this juncture of life.

Everything has dried to the extreme level of never getting wet again. I am no more in a condition to tolerate the presence of the highly flourishing temporary happiness in my life. I fail to communicate. I can’t find words anymore. I can only see the end of every hope and the beginning of nothing. Am I destined to cease my dreams and expectations? What is it that makes me so pessimistic? With extreme resistance offered by my intellect, I dared to do this again. Kudos to me for being so stupid!! I am tired of waiting, because the incidences I long for never happen. You hold a place in my dreams. Should I have been so selfless to make you such an important sphere of my life, when you haunt my imagination and rule my mind? I search for your presence amidst the uncertainty of the mist. I longingly stare at the places you could have been. Through the soft strings of rain I can picture your face. These roads indicate your direction, but I fear to walk on them. Should I have allowed myself to think such stuff? Have I lost control over myself or is it natural? Does the destruction of this self-directing mentality of mine, indicate freedom OR lifelong imprisonment?

Life doesn’t provide you with choices. It is very stubborn. Streams of emotions flowing, such emotions which have captured all my time and needs. Even after practicing the art or practicality, why do I fail to apply it when it comes to handling emotions? I don’t want to get stuck in this web of love. This pure emotion seems fake. You would never get to know about what sort of thoughts I go through. Sometimes even crying is tiring. The situations have lead me to such a place that if anything goes wrong here, it has the capacity to shatter all my desires into pieces. What do you do when you don’t find a solution to any of your problems? You rush to your friends to tell them everything, but you end up deciding yourself as to whether anything suits you. Are we to lead ourselves through this struggle alone?

Do you even care as to what I feel? Will you even get to know as to how I react? But I am so helpless as this is the only place where I can state things without fear. These damped vibrations might never reach you, but I have become selfless and maybe solitude is where I have to lead the rest of my life.

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